Top 5 Reasons Why I Avoid The Mall

I live in very close proximity to the Orland Square Mall, yet I actually frequent the mall about 3 times per year.  These times are necessary because, one is on Black Friday and it is a right of passage into the holiday season.  Another visit is to JCPenny for band/orchestra concert attire for the kids, completely unavoidable. 

 The third visit is usually due to the fact that my husband and kids DO like the mall and come home with strange pillows from Brookstone and clothes that do not fit and it is left to me to take them all back. 

Top 5 reasons why I avoid the mall

5-Target.  Target has everything I could possibly want and need for the everyday purpose, to an extent.  Come on people, you can pick up juice boxes, bananas, boneless/skinless chicken breasts and shampoo while sipping your Starbucks caramel macchiatto, score Mizrahi’s latest casual sundress and grab a soft pretzel on the way out, this place is heavenly.  Mall shmall.

4-Naked Abercrombie.The last thing I want to see is a 20 foot tall abdomen of a 15 year old boy.  Nuff said.

3.Herds of Teens.I have nothing against teenagers, heck, I am about to have three of them in my own home.  There is something that happens when the teens get together at the mall and the group grows to more than 4 girls though.  Voices get louder and more “Cali valley girlie” and I am always lucky enough to walk next to or near one of these gaggle of girls on my rare visits. Whatevs..yuh huh and all that.

2.Parking.  Can a girl get a parking spot?!?!  I swear, finding a parking spot on the weekend at the mall takes a mixture of skill, luck and determination.  I have found that watching for someone walking out of the mall then tracking them like a stalker is a pretty good technique.  I heard Simon was planning on giving the old mall a facelift.  How about throwing in some valet parking services for good measure? 

And the number 1 reason I avoid the mall…..Hair Straightener Lady.  That’s right.  Sure, she holds the power of silky, shiny hair in the palm of her hand, but does she really need to accost me every time I walk past her with the “let me show you how beautiful your hair can be” line.  Excuse me?  I spent 30 seconds this morning managing this mane and I think it looks great.  No thank you should end it but I think she misunderstands and the only way to escape the straightener lady is by rudely walking away while she is talking.  Believe me, I have tried the “sorry, in a hurry” bit but girlfriend will follow you unless you are blunt and rude.  I hate being blunt and rude on purpose and that is why persistent hair straightener lady keeps me from the mall.  Doesn’t she know I have three japanese bean pillows to return to Brookstone?!?!

Have a great week, even if you must go to the mall.

About Orland Park Mom

Mom, writer, domestic goddess, superhero extraordinaire. Yeah, that's me.
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8 Responses to Top 5 Reasons Why I Avoid The Mall

  1. Anonymous says:

    Don’t forget the cell phone kiosk people who yell out “need a cell phone?” when I’m texting or already talking on mine. They must do lunch with the girl who has the Hair Straightener Lady to compare notes!

    • I agree, equally annoying but different because usually the cell phone guy is behind a counter while the hair-straightener lady is free to chase you down. I bet they do have chat sessions about the non-customers they have harassed that day. I think I will go to the mall soon and bring my own hair tool and attack back!

      Thanks for your comment!

      • Pat says:

        I love the valet parking idea, as for the hair lady just pretend you are deaf to her fix your eyes straight ahead and keep moving. I used to frequent the mall regularly, but I too have found Target and online shopping.

      • Thanks, Pat! I will definitely try your technique the next time I happen to cross paths with hair-straightener lady. Wish me luck!

  2. Anonymous says:

    I was just at the mall recently (AKA: Today) and that stupid lady suckered me into buying one. First, she demonstrated on my own hair and she even said that, “It will stay curled for at least 24 hours.” She also said that, “You can brush it and the curls will stay.” However, an hour or two later my hair was basically straight again, and all I did was run my fingers through my hair at the top of my head (nowhere near the curls) a few times. So I went back to get a refund, and what does she say “Sorry we don’t do refunds.” What bull is that?? There was a sign that said “NO REFUNDS AFTER 14 DAYS,” so why couldn’t I get my money back the exact same day?? She then said that if you run your fingers through your hair THE CURLS WILL FALL. WTF!! What kind of place doesn’t do refunds?? So not fair =/
    (sorry for venting.. she ruined my day..)

    • Wow, I am sorry that not only you had a run in with Hair Straightener lady, which is traumatic enough, but that you actually bought the straightener. Now she won’t take it back as a return? Unless this is disclosed somewhere, I would call the BBB.

      And next time, remember, walk swiftly past the Hair Straightener Lady, do not make eye contact.

  3. siead says:

    If you think the straightener lady is bad, try walking within 30 ft of the dead sea salt lady! She wouldn’t take NO for an answer so I ended up getting my arm exfoliated! Felt good though!

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